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Thursday, May 19, 2011

7 Possible Consequences of Buying Ancient Grains


Almost every bread company seems to have their own line of ‘Ancient Grains’ bread. The selling point is that the bread is even more nutritious than recent grain loaves. Sounds well intentioned, but did bread makers stop and think about the possible consequences? Well, I did anyway, so here’s the top seven consequences to be weary of next time you go grocery shopping.

7. Mummification

Releasing a Mummy is as likely as it is deadly. Just call out the king’s name to stop the undead creature.
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6. Ancient Gypsy Curse

Apparently that bread you ate belonged to a gypsy. Now you’re cursed to eat exclusively stale bread for eternity. To end the curse, return the object she gave to you via regurgitation.
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5. Bleeding Walls

Likely the ancient grains, but possibly just your neighbor upstairs bathing in blood he stole from the blood bank.
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4. Dinosaur-sized Poop

Be sure to take a picture and share your joy online. Also, don’t be shy to contact the good people at the Guinness Book of World Records.
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3. Possession

There’s not much you can do at this point. Just enjoy the mental break while the ghost inside you murders and has promiscuous sex.
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2. Releases the Spirit of your Conservative Grandpa

I’m sure you miss your grandpa, but I doubt you missed his old-fashioned values. Just agree to whatever he says until he runs out of things to say. This will allow his wayward spirit to move on.
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1. Provides You With Valuable Nutrients

What a great start to your morning. Put your hands in the air and celebrate like your full of 30% of your daily recommended magnesium intake.
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