Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Pirates of the Caribbean: Fan Fiction

If you haven’t seen the latest Pirates of the Caribbean film yet, I don’t blame you. The last two films ranged from awful to god-awful. This fourth film doesn’t seem to buck the latest trend either, so its about time someone wrote a version of Pirates that we can all really get behind.
I present to you:

Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack Sparrow Gets Wasted Again

Note: I wrote myself into the story to give it a more personal touch.
It was a boldly brisk Caribbean morning on the high seas. Jack Sparrow and I were sailing on a makeshift raft that we put together as part of a father and son bonding session (he is my long lost Dad). Jack was drinking straight from a barrel of rum somehow, and I was enjoying a cool glass of draft beer.
pirates 540x360 Pirates of the Caribbean: Fan Fiction
We were traversing the high seas to find the fabled fountain of youth. Jack was hoping that he could make up for lost father and son time by giving us eternal life. I was okay with this idea because he was pretty awesome to hang out with.
Just then, a fairly sizable great white shark burst through the raft, swallowing Jack’s barrel of rum. He was pissed and distraught, but we both agreed it was pretty sweet. “Damn sharkey swallowings me drink, petty wicked dough”, he stammered.
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Many hours later while searching for the fountain of youth, we were approached by a small vessel. It appeared empty and so we resumed drinking. Suddenly, before taking my next sip, a shadowy and yet sexy figure appeared to be holding Jack at knife point.
“Where’s the fountain?” the mysterious, yet attractive voice yelled.
“Right over yonder,” Jack squeaked out. The mysterious figure then spun Jack around and proceeded to make out with him. I watched.
“See you at the Island boys”, the shadowy figure spoke and then vanished.
“That’s not the firz time I tongue danced wit a shadow,” Jack bragged, leaving me with a hint of envy.
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Jack and I traveled to the Island, and at that point we were really drunk, like the drunkest ever possible. We beached the raft and headed toward the enormous fountain. As we approached the fountain itself, I saw a lady bathing in it, very much naked. I averted my eyes to be polite, but when I opened them to get a lasting glimpse, Jack and the lady (now revealed to be the shadowy figure) were totally groping and kissing. “This is Penelope Cruzzz” Jack explained.
“Join us Steve, you can have it all,” said Penelope.
“I can’t! You see, Jack is my father!” I confessed with despair.
“He’s not,” yelled Black Beard, who just arrived on the scene. “I am your father and therefore it is entirely acceptable to have a three way with Jack and Penelope”. I was overjoyed and immediately hopped into the fountain with the two.
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We had really great sex, but when it was over, Black Beard admitted to lying about Jack not being my father. He just really wanted to watch a three way. “You perv,” I yelled and then immediately threw up.
pirates5 540x360 Pirates of the Caribbean: Fan Fiction

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