If you haven’t seen the latest Pirates of the Caribbean film yet, I don’t blame you. The last two films ranged from awful to god-awful. This fourth film doesn’t seem to buck the latest trend either, so its about time someone wrote a version of Pirates that we can all really get behind.
I present to you:
Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack Sparrow Gets Wasted Again
Note: I wrote myself into the story to give it a more personal touch.
It was a boldly brisk Caribbean morning on the high seas. Jack Sparrow and I were sailing on a makeshift raft that we put together as part of a father and son bonding session (he is my long lost Dad). Jack was drinking straight from a barrel of rum somehow, and I was enjoying a cool glass of draft beer.
We were traversing the high seas to find the fabled fountain of youth. Jack was hoping that he could make up for lost father and son time by giving us eternal life. I was okay with this idea because he was pretty awesome to hang out with.
Just then, a fairly sizable great white shark burst through the raft, swallowing Jack’s barrel of rum. He was pissed and distraught, but we both agreed it was pretty sweet. “Damn sharkey swallowings me drink, petty wicked dough”, he stammered.
Many hours later while searching for the fountain of youth, we were approached by a small vessel. It appeared empty and so we resumed drinking. Suddenly, before taking my next sip, a shadowy and yet sexy figure appeared to be holding Jack at knife point.
“Where’s the fountain?” the mysterious, yet attractive voice yelled.
“Right over yonder,” Jack squeaked out. The mysterious figure then spun Jack around and proceeded to make out with him. I watched.
“See you at the Island boys”, the shadowy figure spoke and then vanished.
“That’s not the firz time I tongue danced wit a shadow,” Jack bragged, leaving me with a hint of envy.
Jack and I traveled to the Island, and at that point we were really drunk, like the drunkest ever possible. We beached the raft and headed toward the enormous fountain. As we approached the fountain itself, I saw a lady bathing in it, very much naked. I averted my eyes to be polite, but when I opened them to get a lasting glimpse, Jack and the lady (now revealed to be the shadowy figure) were totally groping and kissing. “This is Penelope Cruzzz” Jack explained.
“Join us Steve, you can have it all,” said Penelope.
“I can’t! You see, Jack is my father!” I confessed with despair.
“He’s not,” yelled Black Beard, who just arrived on the scene. “I am your father and therefore it is entirely acceptable to have a three way with Jack and Penelope”. I was overjoyed and immediately hopped into the fountain with the two.
We had really great sex, but when it was over, Black Beard admitted to lying about Jack not being my father. He just really wanted to watch a three way. “You perv,” I yelled and then immediately threw up.
There are many ways to cook a hot dog, but there are only so many good ways to get the job done. The following list is as close to objectivity as one can come given humanities limitations in attaining perfect knowledge. Enjoy!
15. Boil it
14. Microwave it
13. Cook on the stove top
12.Cook in the oven
11. Tape to an old fashioned light-bulb
10. Volcano fishing
9. Place under the launch pad of a rocket
8. Tape to Icarus
7. Place on your dashboard on a hot day
6. Breathe on it after eating habanero peppers
5. Wait next to a caveman creating fire for the first time
Another easter has come and left you a useless mess on Monday morning. I think we all finally realize why Monday used to be a holiday (a day to recover from your near lethal doses of sugar and booze). Now the real question is, how do you get over this miserable, stinky, garbage-rat-sewer of a day?
I’d be lying if I were to tell you that there is one cure for everyone under this puke green sky, but I’ve narrowed a list down to the following remedies. Surely one of these methods will have you jumping out of bed and right into your favorite bean bag chair.
The hair of the bunny that bit you
Not only do you need more booze as soon as possible, but you need it mixed with candy somehow. There are few actual drinks that require the use of sugary treats, so you can either be brave and experiment or have some Skittles Vodka. If this doesn’t cure you, it’s probably your own fault.
Who put coffee in my Gatorade? A wise man
Are you at seven eleven yet or would you rather just hate yourself all day? Get down there, grab a big gulp cup and fill it with their finest brew about half way (to avoid caffeine withdrawal). Fill the remaining half with a combination of grape Gatorade and caramel flavoring (for some flavorful hydration!). Having doubts? Just take a look at my grandpa who’s been doing it every Easter Monday for 60 years!
Shout at the Demons until they go away
A Long time ago, in a land moderately close to here, hangovers were thought to be demons haunting your brain. Metaphorically, this still rings true today, but will shouting actually make you feel any better? Nope, so please don’t take your hangover anger out on other people. Have some vitamin C instead!
Sleep Anywhere and Everywhere
You can sleep anywhere,
You can sleep everywhere,
On your buddy’s couch,
Or under the stairs,
In a Kangaroo’s pouch,
Or in the arms of a bear,
You can sleep anywhere
Just don’t sleep on your back or you might joke on your own vomit and die just like John Bonham!
Necessary for time travel my friend. Really the only sure way to cure your hangover is to prevent it from happening. By this time, you’ve already had your fun, and its only a past version of yourself that’s going to give up a party for a quiet night in with scrabble. Just try to avoid making out with your mom like Marty McFly.